Interview With A Dominatrix.

 

 

Katy: The first question is, how old were you when you became interested in BDSM?

 

Dominatrix: It wasn’t that long ago, about... two and a half years ago.

K: What attracted you to the world of BDSM?

 

 

D: Uh... well it’s complicated because originally I was thinking of a career change and I came across London Mistresses’ Website, and I just saw it and thought “I could do that!” So I knew absolutely nothing about BDSM, I just read a few websites and thought I’ll give that a go. Um it wasn’t really about me having a huge interest in BDSM to start off with. The interest came afterwards once I’d learned about it. I did it a different way round to a lot of people.

 

K: That’s interesting. What do you think are the most common misconceptions of BDSM play, and how would you respond to them?

 

D: I think one of the big misconceptions is that it’s necessarily very sexual. I think BDSM is a lot more about power exchanges, it can be very sexual, but it’s not... for example you’re not going to necessarily look for the same things in a BDSM partner as you would in a normal partner. Um so... take me for example - it’s not necessarily about physical attraction, it’s much more about the connection that you have with the other person on an emotional level, so I think yeah that’s a big big difference, and um... oh what else! I think there’s... oh the preconceptions about BDSM! I think a lot of people are just very wary of it because it’s something they just don’t know, and people tend to be wary of what they don’t understand. Uh but yeah, that’s it really.

 

K: Thank you. How do you think our sexual desires/identities are formed?

 

D: I think it starts at a very young age. Um... I think what we start off as, as children we’re like sponges, we take in everything around us, and I think that things that as children aren’t sexual, become sexual as we mature and develop - something that was just an interest, was just a fear, that was even some kind of trauma... sexualising it as a way to deal with it, a way to find a new depth for it as an adult.

 

K: What is the best part of your career, I understand that you haven’t been doing it for very long but what do you enjoy the most about it?

 

D: Everything. I love the fact that I don’t have to work as much as I used to. I used to work a hundred hour weeks. I love the fact that I’ve met so many amazing women through it. It’s taught me a lot about myself, about how to interact with the world. You know, it’s made me grow as a person, and I’m much more self-assured, and much more understanding of just power dynamics in general.

 

K: What is the most challenging part of your career?

 

D: Um... I would say the most challenging part is not getting carried away. Not to forget that you’re a normal person and start getting a huge huge ego. Yeah, so I’d say that that’s the biggest challenge - staying grounded.

 

K: Is there an overlap between the role you play when participating in scenes and the everyday life you?

 

D: Oh there’s a huge overlap! I mean I’ll have clients who’ll offer their help when I need stuff doing around the house. Um... if I need to be taken somewhere, um I will socialise with clients as well - they’ll take me out to see plays. I’ll go to BDSM events, socials, and most of my friends are from the world of BDSM. So there’s a huge, huge overlap.

 

K: So has it impacted your personality for the better, like the way you might deal with difficult situations?

 

 

D: I’m a lot more self-confident, a lot more grounded than I used to be, and funny enough, one of the things it’s done is it’s taught me to ask people for help. I used to be, I used to have this thing about if I didn’t manage something alone, if I had to ask for help it meant that I’d failed. I never asked anyone for help with anything, I had to manage everything alone, and through having people offering to help all the time I’ve realised that it’s actually okay, it’s okay to say I can’t manage this alone, could you help me? Yeah it’s really really taught me that, and people always want to help other people always want to help other people. I’ve always loved helping other people when they need help but it never occurred to me that everyone’s like that really. It’s alright to ask.

 

K: One of the things that’s stood out to me from what I’ve read is the idea of having boundaries and having a safe-word.

 

D: Yes it teaches you about boundaries, and this is something that you learn to adapt to your life. So you become much better at setting boundaries with ordinary people, and also about respecting other peoples’ boundaries. You learn to communicate with people a lot better, saying “is it okay if I do this?” and “no, it’s not okay for you to do this with me.” Yeah, I think that it’s definitely improved my worth of interacting with life because you’ve got these two archetypes: the extreme dominance and the extreme submission, and neither is healthy on it’s own. So it’s not healthy to be extremely submissive as a way of life and it’s not healthy to be extremely dominant as a way of life, but... from visiting the extremes you can take back a lot into your every day life that helps you deal with situations better

 

K: BDSM is gradually becoming a lot less taboo, you know through films like 9 1/2 Weeks, The Secretary, and God I hate this film -

 

D: Fifty Shades...

K: I seriously hate that film..

 

D: I’ve never read the books or seen the film.

 

K: Me neither, I just don’t hate myself enough to try and read them. Um... but what do you think about how BDSM is portrayed in these films?

 

D: Well I love The Secretary. I think it’s a beautiful, beautiful film, and I love, I don’t know... I just think it’s wonderful. I love that it shows the brokenness of it, because no relationship is perfect, and there really is a sense of that... the flaws in both the main characters, but that’s one of the things that makes the story so beautiful, is that they’re both flawed in ways that are so complimentary.

 

I think in general, all the depictions that I’ve seen, I think sometimes they’re really accurate, really realistic, sometimes they’re not but that’s fine because most of these films are fiction, and at the end of the day you can write about what you want and write about it however you want. Telling a story is telling a story. It doesn’t have to be true-to-life, that’s not the point, it’s entertainment! Everyone gets so upset about Fifty Shades, but at the end of the day it’s a book! It’s cheap, shitty erotica to give cheap thrills to lonely women, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not a book that’s going to change BDSM forever or make it go down the wrong track.

 

You know, everyone in the community’s worried that it’s going to attract all these newbies to it, and so what! What’s wrong with that? Why are you being so cliquey? You know? If it attracts people, let them! You know? It might make a huge influx of people but then it will go underground again. Because a lot of people will try it, it won’t be for them and they’ll move on. So it’s fine. I don’t have a problem with it being portrayed even really really badly. I think at the end of the day, the vast majority of people who go to see films like that go for the entertainment. They don’t care about if it’s realistic or not.

 

There are films about kitchens, about hospitals, about police and detectives that are completely unrealistic. No one cares about those, so why would it be a big deal having a film about BDSM that’s completely unrealistic? And you know, it has actually sexually liberated a lot of people. So I think there’s nothing wrong with it. I wouldn’t read it myself though!

 

K: Me neither! I’ve got better things to spend my money on! Um... okay, my last question is - an argument I’m making in my dissertation is that kink relationships can actually be more emotionally healthy than vanilla relationships. What’s your take on this argument?

 

D: I think that Kink relationships can be a lot more emotionally healthy BUT they can also be a lot more damaging. Um... it’s all about the state of mind of the two people who are participating. Um.. I mean there are a lot of very fragile and mentally unstable people in kink like there are in the rest of the world, and when you get two of those together.. explosions! You know? So, I think, the thing about setting boundaries, about Safe Sane Consensual, all of that is fantastic and it sets good foundations for a relationship with good communication, clear roles, and that’s fantastic. The problem is when the roles start getting muddled or once the two people in the relationship start taking it far too seriously and going to deep. Like anything, too much of it is not a good thing.

 

K: Moderation.

D: Exactly. Not taking it too seriously. It’s because you like it. It’s supposed to be fun.

K: Thank you.Well that’s the end of my list of questions. Thank you so much for your time!

 

D: No problem at all!